I Heart Crippled Girls
by B the Blue
Summary: How far is Crono willing to go to at long last satisfy his fetish of having a crippled girlfriend? What is Lucca's role in the whole thing? And do princesses fart? Beware, random stupidity erupts from these pages with furiousness! Enjoy! Or don't!


**I Heart Crippled Girls**

**Chapter 1**

Crono tapped his foot angrily, he was madder than a hornet stung by a wasp. Marle and Lucca stared at him. "What's up with the shirt?" Marle asked. Crono was sporting his finest in silky pajama bottoms and a white T-shirt that simply read: I Heart Crippled Girls.

The young red head shrugged. "Means what it says. Crippled girls...I dig 'em."

"Uhhh...Crono, you okay? You look kind of weird," Lucca said timidly.

Crono was kind of weird. He had been for a long time, but after last night's dinner he had finally snapped. He pointed one knobby heroic finger at the girl he had once called 'friend'. "Y'know what? I'm through with you, Lucca! You're done ruin'n my life!"

Lucca gasped the shock of heartache. "But Crono, what have I ever ruined?"

"Your mom!" He spat.

Marle gasped. "Lucca! You ruined your own mother?"

"Of course not!" Lucca cried indignantly. "Crono, how did I ruin my mom?"

After calming the inferno of his angry breath Crono spoke, "By going back in time and fixing her legs, you filthy little imp."

Lucca blinked. "How did that ruin her?"

"OOOoooohhhh...I dunno! Maybe cuz she was waaay hotter without any legs!"

"That's gross...and weird," Marle whined, trying desperately to hold in a fart. Princesses did not fart.

"Your mom isn't half the woman she used to be!" Crono screeched.

"Uh, that's right, she's more like twice the woman. Because she has legs!" Lucca admonished.

Looking hurt Crono pinned an old man to the floor and used him for a chair. "Now I have to live in a sad hopeless world. A world without a crippled Lara Ashtear. Do you realize that I've had a crush on your mom since we've been four! Ever since she removed those legs and became a wondrous goddess of handicapped beauty."

The girls were stunned. "You had a crush on my mom!" They cried in unison.

"Noooo...my dear sweet princess, not on your mom, on Lucca's mom. _Your _mom is dead. I'm not a pervert you know."

"Marle's kind of crippled," Lucca suggested, "In the head."

"Do not ever, ever, ever, occasionally, ever insult my girlfriend," Crono hissed as he provocatively petted the old man (who was now a chair)'s soft frizzy white hair. "I loooove old people hair. But y'know what? I Heart Crippled Girls."

You're making this up," Lucca said. "You're just mad. Because you're a boy."

"Oh no," Crono impressively spouted, "remember that one time when we were both twelve, and I kissed you. Then later we decided to be just friends."

"Yeah," Lucca blushed. "I remember."

"I was pretending that you were your mom! Anyway, what's the big deal? We all have our own kinky little fetishes right?"

"No," Lucca and Marle almost said together. Just half a second away from being in unison.

Crono rolled his eyes. "Sure we do, like you Nadia. You like role playing and pretending you're someone that you're not! Hell, you're so perverted you constantly force me to call you by 'Marle'. And you Lucca, why, you're a pedophile."

Lucca gasped. "Why would you say such a thing?"

He shrugged. "Why else would you start an orphanage? If not for creepy reasons?"

"I dunno brainiac, maybe because I like children! Taking care of them!" Lucca cried out dramatically.

"Bah," the heroic spike head retorted. "I've long ago lost my childlike innocence that lets me believe in the good in mankind. Others less enlightened than I might see Lucca the benevolent. But I see you for who you really are: Lucca the sexual deviant! But now there is only one thing to do...I must chop off your mother's legs."

After cheerfully announcing this Crono helped the old man up, gave him a high five, and ran off.

"I can't believe you kissed my Crono!" Marle said venomously.

"I didn't...we were twelve, you didn't even know him back then."

"Whore!"

"Marle! Your psycho boyfriend is about to chop off my mom's legs! We have to go stop him."

Marle thought for a moment. "Fine, I guess it's not her fault that you're a sleazy home wrecker. We'll go save your precious mommy."

**Chapter 2**

_Ppppppppppppppppppwwwwwwww! _I guess princesses do fart.

**Chapter 3**

Crono swung open the door to Lucca's house to see her dad (known mysteriously as Taban) sitting at a table. "Hey! Crono buddy, what'ya doing?"

"I'm here to cut off your wife's legs." Crono, sword at the ready, headed to the stairs.

Taban jovially laughed. "Ah Crono, you sure are funny. Hey, would you like to join me in eating some sauerkraut?"

Crono paused. "Why, yes I would. After all, if any man refuses sauerkraut it's because he's evil."

Taban nodded somberly. "Wisely put." He brightened up. "You still datin' that princess?"

Crono shrugged, then nodded, then contemplated the nod, then decide the nod was sincere so he nodded again in conformation. "Cool!" Taban yelled. "High Five!"

They shared a high five of deep respect.

"Man, I wish my girlfriends in high school had been princesses," Taban said. "Mine were all lame."

"I envy you," Crono said.

After the sauerkraut was not only finished, but also digested Crono spotted Lucca and Marle from the window. They were coming to stop him. He had dallied too long. It was time that destiny sung true. With a toss of his hair Crono raced up the stairs, giggling in a way that could give Lavos the shivers...or hiccups, either way Lavos would still bust down the 4th wall and kick your ass.

Lara sat in a chair sewing a sweater. "Oh, hello dear. What are you doing here on this fine morning? Come to see Lucca? Or come to rub my feet?"

Crono contemplated. Then said, "Foot rub." And held out his sword. "Uh...just stick out your legs...that's the ticket. Now please don't bleed to death."

But before the sword of destiny could fall, Crono watched Marle trip over one of Lucca's mini robots. Lowering the sword he rushed to the window, and stared out into the yard. From the way Marle's legs were twisted they had to be broken.

"Oh, poor thing…," Lara said, "those look to be bad breaks. She'll be in twin casts for months. Probably have to get a wheel chair too. Might even develop a limp."

Crono looked over to Lara's legs, and then down to his sword, and finally down to Marle. "Oh well, guess I don't need you anymore Lara, nice sweater though."

She smiled happily. "Thank you dear."

_Anti-Disclaimer: I own EVERYTHING. Yeah that's right, Chrono Trigger, the Super NES, Nintendo and even Square-Enix itself. I own it all. You know what, just because you read this story of mine, I own you!_


End file.
